I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
