dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
