if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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