my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
