I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i out mim tonsoeep
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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