so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Still dying that you shit outside
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
