This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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