Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
