before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
