grandma shit on top of the toilet
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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