Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
