I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
