Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
