if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Randomize
