btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
