I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
