the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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