I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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