you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
