They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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