so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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