i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
