you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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