It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
