I just saw a hot homeless man
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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