I miss vodka workout Fridays
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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