I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
