She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
