hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
