there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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