Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
