Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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