why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
