There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
