Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
