do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
