oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
