I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
