plz talk dirty to me
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
