No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
