Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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