Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
