the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Randomize
