I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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