She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
