saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
