he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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