he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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