YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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