i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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