So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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