its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
