Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
