you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
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Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
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Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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