please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
