My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
